Gobbledygook

swim

2010-09-30T01:31:00.000-07:00

a tiger can never change his stripes. countless attempts and look at how low i've sunk. the worst part is... there's no one else to blame. im done and its time. what to do with a tiger... the only thing i should have done a long time ago, leave him be with all his appeals... and stripes.

selfexplanatory

2010-07-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me really don't apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy once upon a time

 But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied


I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

I know she was attractive but I was here first...

p.s.

2010-07-24T04:04:00.000-07:00

when my dreams turn into nightmares and sleeping becomes a habit i resist the most.. that's when i know being with you is unhealthy. yet everytime i try to make a run from you, i lost all the reasons i have listed on my mind.

i hope one day you'll read this and realize how much you've hurt me.

sluuuuuuttttt

2010-07-18T07:42:00.001-07:00

you have made me hate:

Jakarta
Finland
Finnish girls
Brunettes
The letter 'L'
Sydney
Senayan City
Kemang
Your room
Your kitchen
Your car
Your house
Vincent
George
Laura
Lauren
Rebecca
The slut
You (sometimes)
Myself

and everything else that reminds me of it.. I feel angry all the time and it's exhausting. I need some peace but i cant seem to find it..

2010-06-29T18:46:00.001-07:00

"Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence - the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong"

2010-05-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

i guess im going to be seconded again from now on.

let's see how long this will last...

so easy at times

2010-04-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

HEYA CHIPMUNK!

white smoke

2010-04-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

with cigarettes... it's so easy to kill the stick, but the smell will still linger for much longer

and that's how it is.

stop

2010-04-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

it's

haus

i feel like crying all the time.

red rectangle room

2010-04-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

the walls are getting colder as i lay my forehead against them. i refrain from falling asleep and as i rest my head back onto the pillow, the coldness seeps through the cranium...numbing my brain. delightful!

but then, your skin....

2010-04-15T17:18:00.001-07:00

The funny thing is nobody ever really knows how much anyone is hurting. We could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn't even know.

2010-03-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

i dont know if i can.......anymore

2010-03-08T19:17:00.001-08:00

kebeb sakit :(

kwek, get well sooooooon

lice in lies

2010-03-04T22:12:00.000-08:00

you say with her there's nothing......... bullshit.

even they knew you two were a blooming scandal.

heaven and hell

2010-03-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

take it slow, baby. this time we'll take it sloooooow.

make me forget

2010-02-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

a stylist can tell when someone's attire is mismatched,

a lawyer will always see the world in black or white,

a musician spots the misplaced tempo during a concert,

a scientist always questions matters to the core, or even beneath that.

i have only realized that when one masters a profession, it starts picking out the negatives too instead of simply admiring the experience. maybe this is why you can hardly find a stressed out toddler. unlike adults trapped in their own subject, toddlers see and appreciate. when they see colours, they're happy even when the blue clashes with green or red. they dont think an animal is going to die and rot on the ground, they discover life in another creature. nownow, who does not want to go back to that age? all that knowledge we're thrust upon... they only give us the power to analyze and what i've learned from that is to be a pessimist. but then again;

a liar will never trust others, nor will s/he be able to

it hurts to not know.. but sometimes it hurts more to know.

just listen, dont hear

2010-02-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

if you push me one more time, i'm going to fall and you wont be able to catch me.

i'll be slipping through your fingers like water and sand, and when you realize, i'll just be another remains on your skin

it's not about the heart no more. my soul is a ticking bomb.

words lost words

2010-02-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

What made you fall in love with a prostitute?

I think it was because, knowing that your body would never be mine alone, I had to concentrate on conquering your soul.

5 more minutes

2010-02-08T04:32:00.000-08:00

do you know that point where you are right on the edge, exactly one second away from a downhill roller coaster ride? it's terrifying, and i always wish the cart would stop and slowly retreat. all that excitement as i queued to go on the ride would evaporate and a rush of regret flows in. but what the fuck did i expect? i nodded to the choice of adventure and i should have known that it will come in a package of two: ups and downs. life is a parachute jump; taking a chance, falling over and getting up. i should be prepared to go the whole way, instead of avoiding the bends and turns. it's not abnormal to feel nauseated as one rides through life. but if i believe that the track is my destiny and that the cart is a reliable toy that will eventually stop, i might as well enjoy the view and relish the butterflies.

the world is a theme park, and i'd choose a roller coaster ride anytime instead of littering my time away going around and around on the carousel.

2010-01-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

the heart is what matters most of all.

-Kris Kristofferson

choux pastry heart

2010-01-28T02:38:00.000-08:00

commitment; uni family relationship.

the first one is the worst, haa. just missed another class today due to misread schedules. the elevator took me away and i need to be grounded. i regret it, i actually like today's class.. we learn about the history of fashion. my previous blog stated that the past has no bond with the future. but i forgot to mention that the past also needs to be understood, but we have to live for the future. so, i guess i i need to close in on the neglected class. first priority.

i miss them so. 11,713.3 km laid between us, and i need to be by my sisters' side. the first one needs me, her lover is moving away. distance does ruin things, especially when there is no commitment. he's crazy about her and i'm so happy to hear that. i just want to give her a big cuddly hug for strength. the second one, she's blooming and im not there to witness. she's learning about new things without me :')

nownow, the third commitment: i'm rooted to the ground. but the other one's is split into two; the past and me. he slipped too. he says its me, but his safekeeping of the last always make me question it. how can one chooses the present when one's priorities show otherwise? 40 minutes phone calls, only to falsely finalise the relationship with me. he claims its his way of making her wipe the fingerprints off, but he's purblind. more attention --> moremoremoremoreanditwillneverend. there is no election required, but it hurts too much to be the second one to you.

i'm spun out too far, need to get the balance right again or it's going to be a raft below the falls.

unforgettable and the unexceptional.

2010-01-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

get the order right, or its a floating population.

i find satellites funny. satellites circle around one focus but forbidden to even put a finger out on it. banned to stray away yet illegal to any contact.

ah, the writing got suspended. quack.

where was i? satellites... as i was saying, it has a lifetime too. you can't extend it too far or it'll crack. but so do i, remember that.

2010-01-19T05:51:00.000-08:00

quackquack.

all that noise around here.

yea, i'll be true to you - no matter what you do.

2010-01-14T06:44:00.000-08:00

one would assume that the past is faithful. you can never move or erase it. but what i understood was that it stays, right there. no attachment to the existing. but in this case, i guess it does.

i can live with one slip. but she moves like water through every crack, every gap until there is no more room for me to even gasp. how can i escape? what do you want? there is no green light for me but at the same time you won't let go of that chain on your back.

i know i dont need to be in his thoughts. i'll be fine with my own. but if this lane was to be settled on, im no chameleon no more. blending into the background, it's tiring. it'll be a rise and fall to flee his chamber but i'm willing to take the risk with two things in tow; time and space.

last thing, let me go.. i don't want to be discovered. one last camouflage and i'll reappear one day.

2010-01-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

it's an empty shell.

don't stay there.................... i'm letting go.

magneticcccccc

2010-01-01T05:19:00.001-08:00

it's 2010....

and people are still wondering why resolutions are hardly effective. an adjustment needs to be done. stop writing lists of things i wanna achieve. instead, dive in to do them. lists stuck on the fridge wont do me any good - but an act surely will. no more resolutions for me..

guess what, ive decided to rebuild the fence that came down sometime ago. just to be safe :)

on my mind, out of sight.

2009-12-26T04:14:00.000-08:00

new year - fresh from the oven yet auspicious...

my man.

2009-12-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

you're free to leave me,

but just don't deceive me.

- moulin rouge

cornered

2009-12-21T09:03:00.001-08:00

i don't know which side to believe and he's not making it any easier. release the truth or reveal the pathway. either one would be enough.

one mouth against the world.

butterfly, fly away

2009-12-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

i think im in love; i have never compared him to the one. but there's nothing safe about this and i wish it would last for as long as i wanted it to, but what are the chances? we have nothing to secure ourselves to each other and there is no way the attachment would ever exist. all the risks, all the dangers. is it love or simply too thrilling to let go?

he said he loves me; but is it true?

kwekwek

2009-12-05T04:50:00.000-08:00

ada bebek disini

as simple as that.

2009-12-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

today my parents gave me a long lecture on the phone with an extended endless bbm(s) from each one, all only because i finally confessed that i have broken up with andrew. basically what they told me was that he's perfect, i'm stupid ----> i have to get back with him.

fine, everyone strives for perfection. but once you're there, who would actually care? it's the glitches and crookedness that will keep me sane; that will keep me moving forward. what i don't understand is, the guy whom i loved so intensely was told to keep away from me and never come back. but this perfect guy who made me feel like a professional trickster; apparently i was told that he's the one. perfection is boring and i don't want a perfect guy.

i just want to be with a human, not a robot. i just want a guy with flaws.

sweet disposition

2009-11-23T02:03:00.000-08:00

temporary is beautiful,

whereas permanence is ......... ?

i spent 10 days with someone who was not my boyfriend nor my friend. there was no red line connecting us yet the attachment was still visible. how long will it last? i don't know, chances are : not long. there are still those Xs tagging along behind both of us, in one way or the other. yet the charm of it is that we both know the attachment can be removed with a single wipe.

why do we admire the temporary moments/things/feelings? i've never realized how amazing the sunlight is in jakarta, yet i get absurdly excited over a second of sunlight entering my windows now. no one would devour the ice cream cake if the truth is that it will never melt. i'll never think of the air unless i'm told that it will reach its limit in the next 3 days. shoes will sell out fast only because they have 'limited editions' printed on them.

people start to gaze at others because of their outer beauty. inner beauties are invisible, lifelong. still, how long does the vision last? we age everyday since we stopped growing. the temporariness of it is everlasting. but when one starts to play with the temporary and make it permanent, that is when the beauty of it is gone - one is left with a hoax and NOT beauty. so where does permanence stand? i think its a mere necessity. we need the air to breathe, we need a strong, reliable personality and we definitely need shoes. haaaa. people tend to be drawn by the outer but fall in love with the inner beauty.

i'm still living the temporary life whereas the X wanted otherwise.

but with this flying duck, i don't need him (yet?). i want him.

2009-11-08T16:48:00.000-08:00

why do i miss the other pea? maybe cause you can never change the other pair with another pea. it won't fit in the pod.

it has been 3 years :(

wishful thinking

2009-11-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

Eyes are the window to your soul.

.. i wear contact lenses,

does it mean that my soul is glazed ?

niiiiiiiiceeee.

no wasted weekend.

2009-11-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

second row from the end, there i was scribbling in my notes. thankfully my eyes were kept open by two invisible threads, or was it the determination? not important. suddenly the slide said:

brand identity + brand personality = strong retail

woke me up in a heartbeat. the whole identity crisis has been on my mind lately, i was trying to decide how to become one individual instead of the countless. funny how a human being can also be understood through the principals of a shop. a retail shop, to be exact. in order for me to be a strong individual, i have to find my own identity.. then build my personality from there? or vice versa? my cousin has been putting that suit on - from surfer guy, preppy to chuck bass and indie. none of them suit him yet he seems comfortable that whenever he changes, he is in a state (or clique). sigh, i actually cannot be fucked to find it. lets hope it'll come to me eventually..

despite all that, i love leading this double life i've started two days ago. dangerous yet thrilling. only a few were informed, others curious.

oh, everything looks perfect from far away.

let me paint the colour spectrum on you.

2009-10-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

me:

... bt why the change of attitudess ?

friend:

fuck it. Cause im pretendin to be a nice sweet guy n shit. When i should just be me, right?

me:

well which one are you? cus ure a sweeeeettttheaaaaarrtt to me, __ and __.

friend:

really? hmm.. i dont know. I think i have an identity crisis.

He's not the only one confuzzled. Sometimes I get lost too, deciding which journey to take or the prime choice.

Who am i?

I want to be graceful with an elegant stance, yet carefree with peculiar effects to my walk.

I would love to be NOISY - full of babbles, but one and the same: composed and secretive girl.

Unique and ordinary.

Come hither attitudes but no hussy.

Independent + pampered.

Perceptive but also ignorant to demands.

I want to be this and that.

Someone said to me once that I can be whatever and whoever I want to be. Whether that is girly or tomboy or gentle or irritating. I used to take that as a compliment. Who does not want that much variety in their life? Although I've come to terms that it is so so tiring. How do you fit multiple photos into one frame? All you see are small snapshots, clustered. I feel like a 'lock and key' enzyme, trying to fit my personalities around other individuals. And no! I'm not a people pleaser - more like a natural habit.

Jealous of the cliques or at least people who know and understand themselves. Someone who has picked their own brand and build it up from scratch. While on the other hand, I am stuck as the chameleon who changes its colours according to its environment.

a drop in the ocean.

2009-10-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

one's for safety.

the other one - passion, love and everything else.

How can you choose your future based on two completely different world? If I choose safety, I would live a delighted life with no passion. Likely I would be able to afford all the luxurious things I want, point and pay. As simple as that. Tennis court, swimming pool, fancy dinners and socialites.

Passion? Love? The beatles say love makes the world go around. But in fact it doesnt, love doesnt make you gain more money. It sure is an additional point. But two humans in love can lead to separation due to financial difficulties. But can we cope with it? I truly believe we can. It would be nice to tell our children the story of their parents. Awfully similar to romeo&juliet without the death. How wonderful. But can I start living from scratch? Does he like me? Does he still care? I dont understand how people around kept on saying he does, yet I think hes changed. He doesnt love me anymore. But why do I still keep that sweet taste of our memory? Was it only me all along?

The thing is, I can be 110% sure with one. I wont get myself hurt. But the other... Cant you tell? one paragraph is shorter, the other full of questions. Which one do i prefer? its obvious. Safety says nothing. I would choose love over anything. But is it still there?

I'm fucking drunk.

you know you want to.

2009-10-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

I've decided that we are not meant to be together, that you came back as a test for resistance.

Our relationship was like cheesecake,

It was utterly attractive and rich. A sweet start, filled with creamy toppings and those few bites off the strawberry. Then as we dig our spoon deeper into the cake and savour the taste in our mouth, that velvet taste grow deeper and more intense. Then suddenly our spoon hit rock bottom. Maybe I got there faster than you. Not yet the end, but that thick base of crushed biscuits was abrupt and definitely startling. We realize we have to take a bite off the biscuits, oh all that effort. But the thing is, we did try to finish it. Later we lay back with an empty dessert plate and dirty spoon, wanting so much more but grasping the fact that our body could not take it anymore. It was too sweet, too beautiful and too heavy. Our stomach was full.

Maybe... maybe sometime in the future we'll have some more. Not as the last resort of a full meal course, but the start of it.

nerdssss

2009-10-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

cambridge seized the day.

for once in a long time i was actually bothered to do more than open my eyes at 9 in the morning. even andri was still asleep. we had a bit of help from senorita luck due to the train delay and i was so overwhelmed by the town the minute i set my right foot on the platform.

"it's so pretty!", from the station i could tell that today was going to be good. no disappointments afterwards yet i still could not enjoy it to the hilt. how can you compare one insignificant person to a beautiful vintage town? i should really stop talking, two thoughts will grow in the price of one.

nevertheless, 35 pounds was enough to cheer me up slightly. money talks.

truly.

2009-10-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

i dont understand how and why he came back, or even whether it's meant to be or just two strings of fate simply crossing over.

haa, im finally at loss for words. i sat here thinking for a few minutes of what i wanted to say but all i can think about is that from the moment he said "i'm here too", i started believing that maybe we are cursed for good.

how can we not be? from the moment it ended, all i had were either too flawless or easily smeared. funnily enough, he only had one and yes it seemed perfect but that, was closed too because he 'could not see it'.

i know we're not the pair but why are we here? where's that prince who will finally convince me that i've been with wrong pieces of puzzle all these times and that we're the perfect fit?

one more thing, is this a test leading to a reunion or a test to meet that worthy prince? was it him all along?

someone please help me, i think i'm falling into a quick sand with nothing to hold on to.

so close.

2009-09-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
If you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?

you're still unreachable,

and thank you for staying that way.

nocturnal

2009-03-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

it's 4.30am and i can't sleep.

i have concluded that there are two ways you can look at someone in terms of law:

guilty until proven innocent
innocent until proven guilty

both have the same sentence structure and words, yet the meanings are like opposites in a magnetic field. In the past, i can say the way i treated my ex-boyfriends fell under the first category. I would assume they are in the dark before i try to see the light. A flicker in violation of trust, or at least i assumed it was, could send my imagination to the worst scenario possible - he's cheating, he's lying, he's breaking a promise and i'm going to break up. i have come to a conclusion that i chose the first one to protect my feelings - the worst assumptions will probably resolve to a better reality. therefore, less dissapointment -> less or no pain.

but not with this one, he's way too dangerous for me. i cant find a single reason why from the start i have viewed him as being innocent until proven guilty. was it his perfections? my feelings are left in the open and today i finally found the villain. i should start learning to think like i used to and get going with the walls again. it might take time, but i hope i'll get there before this gets worse.

on the other hand, i am sure he views me as being guilty until proven innocent. the past week consisted of rough arguments and silence, solely because he does not trust the people around me. or was it truly me he does not trust? you say you 'hopefully can prove that forever exists', but the way you have treated me so far made me more of a cynic than ever about that matter. dont put me on a leash, im not an animal. dont put me on a leash or ill revolt. let me be and ill understand. god knows if your attempt to prove is a sincere one. trust is complex, yet i have done nothing in the past to make you think i will do something to you. lo and behold, ive changed some and more for you, apa sih yang ga buat kamu?

it's 5.03am and i still can't sleep.

diamond in the rough

2009-03-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

"freshwater pearl and citrine, instead of diamonds. because it's something you need to take care of, and work to protect, not something that will last 'forever' by default"

- Michelle Kirana Oh

I guess the term diamonds are forever can be proven to be right because technically, diamonds are the hardest natural material known. The root of the word 'diamond' is adamas, which also means indestructible.

What's so extravagant about this rock that it can be a symbol of love? I guess heart as another symbol of love is quite understandable. When your heart stops beating, you die. Without one, you might not exist. But, Michelle was right, who would want forever by default?

Sigh, blame Archduke Maximilian of Austria for starting this phenomenon by giving a diamond engangement ring as a promise of marriage to his love, Mary of Burgundy. Personally, I am not keen on diamond rings. I find them pretty, but a pretty marriage? Not something I am looking forward to.

If someone were to propose to me with a diamond ring on the palm of their hand, I would ask them on what basis did they buy that particular diamond ring? If they cannot answer it, I would assume that they are portraying our future marriage to act like a diamond:

Diamonds are clear - I want to have colour in our relationship
Diamonds are beautiful and full of corners - I want chipped sides with no hidden corners, all bare
Diamonds are indestructible - yes, that's a wish, certainly not by default. But something we, as a couple, work to achieve
Diamonds are forever - being delusional and assuming that we will be together forever? No way.

Who doesn't wish forever exists on its own? but sometimes one needs to put their feet back on earth and realize that without protection, care, love, trust and a million other obstacles; forever will never exist. Nevertheless, a relationship is muchmuch more interesting when we can look forward to the 'ups' after the 'downs'.

On the other hand, I would not mind being presented with a combination of sapphire and diamond. Sapphire has a beautiful connotation to it - loyalty and fidelity; two of my most precious and crucial factors of a relationship. teeheeeee.

star-crossed lovers?

2009-03-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

I had an appendicitis operation
I had mock exams - failed one of my highers !
I got into a fight with one of my closest friends, in which she says she doesn't trust me with any guy she likes
Biology courseworks are done ! well, the important ones at least.
I lost my wallet
I said no to buying baileys (surprisingly)
I started to shalat again
I realized who my real friends are, those who will care and those who wont
I had the best formal dinner, one month anniv. and valentine's day :)
I said yes to having a relationship in my last 4 months of high school

whoawaaaawait. PAUSE, REWIND -> PLAY.

am i destined to experience these things? or did i decide?

"Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it."

These.. occurences, sometimes triggered by the tiniest factor and cause a storm. Of course, there are ones I want to change - the ones that make me wish time machine really does exist. But which ones are accident and which ones are designed?

Destiny is fixed - assumed to have no variables. "I'll leave that to my destiny", a phrase millions used when asked about their future. The thing is, I think I have too much ego to give my future to destiny. Don't get me wrong, fate and destiny are two different things. Fate refers to the development of our future. Whereas destiny is the predetermined outcome. Honestly, i used to be the up-to-destiny type, but instead of gaining what I wanted, i tended to receive what's settled for me. I am confident to say I don't want my future to be written on a stone with a permanent marker, it is muchmuchmuch too precious.

This is why I am never much of a planner, I guess it's frightening to know what will happen instead of what-could's. I make choices when I am faced with it. Yet, there are those close to me who are always in motion of making plans and the worst thing is when I'm included in their little schemes.

Ergo, stop making me feel like i'm your little robot.

what's yours?

2008-12-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

Two days ago i bought a post secret book. overwhelmed with excitement, i turned the cover page and found a written secret next to the title of the book;

Today was the first time i skipped, and its deffinitely not my last!

at first i thought it was printed, but i sniffed and i could smell the ballpoint and i could feel the jagged trace of writings at the back.

i was happy -> i felt complete.

decipher this; easy

2008-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

5 times.

2 weeks.

uncountable graphics.

mellifluous yet witty comments.

still in love. sigh.

my legs have definitely been amputated.

clone him, please.

2008-12-13T02:18:00.000-08:00

move over bloom, ROBERT PATTINSON is taking over my heart slowly and painfully.

honestly, even i found this obsession so absurd. i have never been this preoccupied with a celebrity before. yes, i think orlando bloom is hot. but to prove you wrong, i have never downloaded a handful of pictures of him off the net. on the other hand, all my friends have witnessed how pattinson is taking over all the technologies i own - handphone, laptop, my mechanic brain (?). haa stop me now, or i will literally break my legs from falling in love with him.

on the lighter note, twilight. probably on countless number of female blogs lately. a vampire who fell in love with a human. cliche story, predictable ending. yet i read the book and felt immense connection to it. i started thinking about what type of guy i like and i found most in this particular character, edward cullen that is. here is the list (not in order):

introvert - if i were to pick one out of a group, i would probably go for the one who sits nicely in the corner, listening to what other guys have to boast about.
polite - must know how to treat a woman. MUST.
looks - doesn't have to be overly beautiful nor charming. but good.
passionate - either about loving me, or about anything. i love a guy who has something he can talk about with fire in his eyes.
optimistic
protective - i love jealousy in a guy, but not in excess. i love someone who can be jealous but still can laugh about it.
mature - edward is obviously mature enough to know his responsibilities and consequences.
romantic - no poets or roses, but surprise me :)
mysterious - what more can i say? unambiguity bores me.
intelligent - i want to be able to talk about my complicated thoughts in my complex mind without him staring at me blankly.
good taste - in clothes, car, music.
dance - slow dance from side to side is dull, stupefy me with his moves ;)
EYES - rob pattinson has the nicest set of eyes, very intricate yet beautiful.
strong - no superman. strong enough to carry me at least.
bone structure - sounds scary, but i want to be able to trace his jawline with my finger.

... long list, eh? ill add to it when i can think of more. sounds like the average list any girl would want, but i think i would want it a tad more.

for you

2008-12-04T03:57:00.000-08:00

mungkin kau tak menyadari

ku selalu memandangmu

namun tak terucap kata

saat kau ada di dekatku

andai saja, kau membaca

rahasia isi di hatiku

setiap saat, setiap waktu

kucoba tepis bayangmu

namun aku tak berdaya

kau selalu indah untukku

andai saja, kau membaca

rahasia isi di hatiku

mungkinkah kau kumiliki

seperti mimpiku, seperti khayalku

namun ku tak sanggup ungkapkan

ini menyiksaku, melemahkan hatiku

sampai kapan ku bertahan

tuk memendam perasaan

2008-12-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

i read my previous post and fell deep into a hole full of jumbled up letters. i couldn't understand what i was trying to say.

h.e.l.p. my mind is playing games with me.

i need more time.

2008-11-27T04:36:00.000-08:00

just yesterday, one of my other friends lost his father.

which reminded me of this image - the pattern of light portrays how we are living at the moment. Too fast, hurts the eye and noone knows at what point it will end. Sometimes that's how I feel and view my life. Although many might say that I've done some bad deeds (esp. my parents), when someone ask me a question on the most extreme thing ive done, it will take me awhile to come up with a slightly good enough answer. Is that how boring my life has been? just a straight, bright line with a point at the end? i can say i've been through a lot. but anyone can say that, cant they? I'm starting to lose the sense of how much is 'a lot'.

back to the picture, i guess we all strive to be that couple among the speed of light. to stop the time and get the chance to hold our breath or breathe out in relieve. but time is abstract, and so are we.

all like a tangled up different coloured wool.

freeze me, time.

respect the respectful

2008-11-25T06:53:00.000-08:00

I have 10 teachers in IB to fulfill my 7 courses. Yet, there's only one who makes me want to tie him to a chair and burn the classroom. Call him Mr Pee. Like other conventionalists, he gets stung so easily when nudged with slightly offensive matters. Then through using his label as a teacher, he explodes and naturally gobbles up all the respect i had for him. Did i even start with any?

Teachers like him make me realize the nature of respect. Are we forced to respect those in authority? Verbally, no. But technically, yes. Why do we have to respect TEACHERS? I understand why we have to respect our parents, grandparents. Without them, will we exist? But with other adults, I feel that in order to gain respect, i have to earn them. Despite that, when i feel that i am not gaining any respect from the opposition, then all courtesy is lost no matter who they are.

Nevertheless, it doesn't and can't operate in that manner. They may say that they are not enforcing students to respect teachers, and therefore it should be in the students' nature to feel the need to be civil to their teachers. But once us, students, stretch a tiny bit further than the accepted boundaries, those teachers will get enraged. Final result will have a negative impact on the student, of course.

Back to Mr. Pee. As to now, I have no respect for him whatsoever. He treats me appallingly and I am running out of patience. I am starting to intentionally forget that he is a teacher i am forced to be polite to and look at him as a human being. A human being who doesn't deserve any courtesy.

My Precious

2008-11-24T04:51:00.000-08:00

haa! funny.

i was fixing my profile and accidently put my birthday in the wrong order. when i clicked on view, i felt so angry cus it said that my astrology sign is libra. i went back and quickly changed it. so relieved when virgo appeared.

am i the only or will everyone else feel insulted if they are labeled with the wrong astrology sign?

Moving On.

2008-11-24T04:40:00.001-08:00

since im moving forward with my life .. (got an offer from manchester uni!)

tis about time i change my blog too.

xanga was getting a bit too childish and hard to manage.

wanna see my older posts?

check out 'knees!' at www.xanga.com/niiis