let me paint the colour spectrum on you.

me:

... bt why the change of attitudess ?

friend:

fuck it. Cause im pretendin to be a nice sweet guy n shit. When i should just be me, right?

me:

well which one are you? cus ure a sweeeeettttheaaaaarrtt to me, __ and __.

friend:

really? hmm.. i dont know. I think i have an identity crisis.

He's not the only one confuzzled. Sometimes I get lost too, deciding which journey to take or the prime choice.

Who am i?

I want to be graceful with an elegant stance, yet carefree with peculiar effects to my walk.

I would love to be NOISY - full of babbles, but one and the same: composed and secretive girl.

Unique and ordinary.

Come hither attitudes but no hussy.

Independent + pampered.

Perceptive but also ignorant to demands.

I want to be this and that.

Someone said to me once that I can be whatever and whoever I want to be. Whether that is girly or tomboy or gentle or irritating. I used to take that as a compliment. Who does not want that much variety in their life? Although I've come to terms that it is so so tiring. How do you fit multiple photos into one frame? All you see are small snapshots, clustered. I feel like a 'lock and key' enzyme, trying to fit my personalities around other individuals. And no! I'm not a people pleaser - more like a natural habit.

Jealous of the cliques or at least people who know and understand themselves. Someone who has picked their own brand and build it up from scratch. While on the other hand, I am stuck as the chameleon who changes its colours according to its environment.

a drop in the ocean.

one's for safety.

the other one - passion, love and everything else.

How can you choose your future based on two completely different world? If I choose safety, I would live a delighted life with no passion. Likely I would be able to afford all the luxurious things I want, point and pay. As simple as that. Tennis court, swimming pool, fancy dinners and socialites.

Passion? Love? The beatles say love makes the world go around. But in fact it doesnt, love doesnt make you gain more money. It sure is an additional point. But two humans in love can lead to separation due to financial difficulties. But can we cope with it? I truly believe we can. It would be nice to tell our children the story of their parents. Awfully similar to romeo&juliet without the death. How wonderful. But can I start living from scratch? Does he like me? Does he still care? I dont understand how people around kept on saying he does, yet I think hes changed. He doesnt love me anymore. But why do I still keep that sweet taste of our memory? Was it only me all along?

The thing is, I can be 110% sure with one. I wont get myself hurt. But the other... Cant you tell? one paragraph is shorter, the other full of questions. Which one do i prefer? its obvious. Safety says nothing. I would choose love over anything. But is it still there?

I'm fucking drunk.

you know you want to.

I've decided that we are not meant to be together, that you came back as a test for resistance.

Our relationship was like cheesecake,

It was utterly attractive and rich. A sweet start, filled with creamy toppings and those few bites off the strawberry. Then as we dig our spoon deeper into the cake and savour the taste in our mouth, that velvet taste grow deeper and more intense. Then suddenly our spoon hit rock bottom. Maybe I got there faster than you. Not yet the end, but that thick base of crushed biscuits was abrupt and definitely startling. We realize we have to take a bite off the biscuits, oh all that effort. But the thing is, we did try to finish it. Later we lay back with an empty dessert plate and dirty spoon, wanting so much more but grasping the fact that our body could not take it anymore. It was too sweet, too beautiful and too heavy. Our stomach was full.

Maybe... maybe sometime in the future we'll have some more. Not as the last resort of a full meal course, but the start of it.

nerdssss

cambridge seized the day.

for once in a long time i was actually bothered to do more than open my eyes at 9 in the morning. even andri was still asleep. we had a bit of help from senorita luck due to the train delay and i was so overwhelmed by the town the minute i set my right foot on the platform.

"it's so pretty!", from the station i could tell that today was going to be good. no disappointments afterwards yet i still could not enjoy it to the hilt. how can you compare one insignificant person to a beautiful vintage town? i should really stop talking, two thoughts will grow in the price of one.

nevertheless, 35 pounds was enough to cheer me up slightly. money talks.

truly.

i dont understand how and why he came back, or even whether it's meant to be or just two strings of fate simply crossing over.

haa, im finally at loss for words. i sat here thinking for a few minutes of what i wanted to say but all i can think about is that from the moment he said "i'm here too", i started believing that maybe we are cursed for good.

how can we not be? from the moment it ended, all i had were either too flawless or easily smeared. funnily enough, he only had one and yes it seemed perfect but that, was closed too because he 'could not see it'.

i know we're not the pair but why are we here? where's that prince who will finally convince me that i've been with wrong pieces of puzzle all these times and that we're the perfect fit?

one more thing, is this a test leading to a reunion or a test to meet that worthy prince? was it him all along?

someone please help me, i think i'm falling into a quick sand with nothing to hold on to.

so close.

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
If you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?

you're still unreachable,

and thank you for staying that way.

nocturnal

it's 4.30am and i can't sleep. 

i have concluded that there are two ways you can look at someone in terms of law:

1. guilty until proven innocent
2. innocent until proven guilty

both have the same sentence structure and words, yet the meanings are like opposites in a magnetic field. In the past, i can say the way i treated my ex-boyfriends fell under the first category. I would assume they are in the dark before i try to see the light. A flicker in violation of trust, or at least i assumed it was, could send my imagination to the worst scenario possible - he's cheating, he's lying, he's breaking a promise and i'm going to break up. i have come to a conclusion that i chose the first one to protect my feelings - the worst assumptions will probably resolve to a better reality. therefore, less dissapointment -> less or no pain. 

but not with this one, he's way too dangerous for me. i cant find a single reason why from the start i have viewed him as being innocent until proven guilty. was it his perfections? my feelings are left in the open and today i finally found the villain. i should start learning to think like i used to and get going with the walls again. it might take time, but i hope i'll get there before this gets worse. 

on the other hand, i am sure he views me as being guilty until proven innocent. the past week consisted of rough arguments and silence, solely because he does not trust the people around me. or was it truly me he does not trust? you say you 'hopefully can prove that forever exists', but the way you have treated me so far made me more of a cynic than ever about that matter. dont put me on a leash, im not an animal. dont put me on a leash or ill revolt. let me be and ill understand. god knows if your attempt to prove is a sincere one. trust is complex, yet i have done nothing in the past to make you think i will do something to you. lo and behold, ive changed some and more for you, apa sih yang ga buat kamu? 

it's 5.03am and i still can't sleep.