nocturnal

it's 4.30am and i can't sleep. 

i have concluded that there are two ways you can look at someone in terms of law:

1. guilty until proven innocent
2. innocent until proven guilty

both have the same sentence structure and words, yet the meanings are like opposites in a magnetic field. In the past, i can say the way i treated my ex-boyfriends fell under the first category. I would assume they are in the dark before i try to see the light. A flicker in violation of trust, or at least i assumed it was, could send my imagination to the worst scenario possible - he's cheating, he's lying, he's breaking a promise and i'm going to break up. i have come to a conclusion that i chose the first one to protect my feelings - the worst assumptions will probably resolve to a better reality. therefore, less dissapointment -> less or no pain. 

but not with this one, he's way too dangerous for me. i cant find a single reason why from the start i have viewed him as being innocent until proven guilty. was it his perfections? my feelings are left in the open and today i finally found the villain. i should start learning to think like i used to and get going with the walls again. it might take time, but i hope i'll get there before this gets worse. 

on the other hand, i am sure he views me as being guilty until proven innocent. the past week consisted of rough arguments and silence, solely because he does not trust the people around me. or was it truly me he does not trust? you say you 'hopefully can prove that forever exists', but the way you have treated me so far made me more of a cynic than ever about that matter. dont put me on a leash, im not an animal. dont put me on a leash or ill revolt. let me be and ill understand. god knows if your attempt to prove is a sincere one. trust is complex, yet i have done nothing in the past to make you think i will do something to you. lo and behold, ive changed some and more for you, apa sih yang ga buat kamu? 

it's 5.03am and i still can't sleep. 

diamond in the rough

"freshwater pearl and citrine, instead of diamonds. because it's something you need to take care of, and work to protect, not something that will last 'forever' by default"

- Michelle Kirana Oh

I guess the term diamonds are forever can be proven to be right because technically, diamonds are the hardest natural material known. The root of the word 'diamond' is adamas, which also means indestructible. 

What's so extravagant about this rock that it can be a symbol of love? I guess heart as another symbol of love is quite understandable. When your heart stops beating, you die. Without one, you might not exist. But, Michelle was right, who would want forever by default? 

Sigh, blame Archduke Maximilian of Austria for starting this phenomenon by giving a diamond engangement ring as a promise of marriage to his love, Mary of Burgundy. Personally, I am not keen on diamond rings. I find them pretty, but a pretty marriage? Not something I am looking forward to. 

If someone were to propose to me with a diamond ring on the palm of their hand, I would ask them on what basis did they buy that particular diamond ring? If they cannot answer it, I would assume that they are portraying our future marriage to act like a diamond:

• Diamonds are clear - I want to have colour in our relationship
  
• Diamonds are beautiful and full of corners - I want chipped sides with no hidden corners, all bare
  
• Diamonds are indestructible - yes, that's a wish, certainly not by default. But something we, as a couple, work to achieve 
  
• Diamonds are forever - being delusional and assuming that we will be together forever? No way. 

Who doesn't wish forever exists on its own? but sometimes one needs to put their feet back on earth and realize that without protection, care, love, trust and a million other obstacles; forever will never exist. Nevertheless, a relationship is muchmuch more interesting when we can look forward to the 'ups' after the 'downs'. 

On the other hand, I would not mind being presented with a combination of sapphire and diamond. Sapphire has a beautiful connotation to it - loyalty and fidelity; two of my most precious and crucial factors of a relationship. teeheeeee.

star-crossed lovers?

• I had an appendicitis operation
• I had mock exams - failed one of my highers ! 
• I got into a fight with one of my closest friends, in which she says she doesn't trust me with any guy she likes
• Biology courseworks are done ! well, the important ones at least. 
• I lost my wallet
• I said no to buying baileys (surprisingly)
• I started to shalat again
• I realized who my real friends are, those who will care and those who wont 
• I had the best formal dinner, one month anniv. and valentine's day :) 
• I said yes to having a relationship in my last 4 months of high school

whoawaaaawait. PAUSE, REWIND -> PLAY. 

am i destined to experience these things? or did i decide? 

"Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it."

These.. occurences, sometimes triggered by the tiniest factor and cause a storm. Of course, there are ones I want to change - the ones that make me wish time machine really does exist. But which ones are accident and which ones are designed? 

Destiny is fixed - assumed to have no variables. "I'll leave that to my destiny", a phrase millions used when asked about their future. The thing is, I think I have too much ego to give my future to destiny. Don't get me wrong, fate and destiny are two different things. Fate refers to the development of our future. Whereas destiny is the predetermined outcome. Honestly, i used to be the up-to-destiny type, but instead of gaining what I wanted, i tended to receive what's settled for me. I am confident to say I don't want my future to be written on a stone with a permanent marker, it is muchmuchmuch too precious. 

This is why I am never much of a planner, I guess it's frightening to know what will happen instead of what-could's. I make choices when I am faced with it. Yet, there are those close to me who are always in motion of making plans and the worst thing is when I'm included in their little schemes. 

Ergo, stop making me feel like i'm your little robot.