nocturnal

it's 4.30am and i can't sleep. 

i have concluded that there are two ways you can look at someone in terms of law:

1. guilty until proven innocent
2. innocent until proven guilty

both have the same sentence structure and words, yet the meanings are like opposites in a magnetic field. In the past, i can say the way i treated my ex-boyfriends fell under the first category. I would assume they are in the dark before i try to see the light. A flicker in violation of trust, or at least i assumed it was, could send my imagination to the worst scenario possible - he's cheating, he's lying, he's breaking a promise and i'm going to break up. i have come to a conclusion that i chose the first one to protect my feelings - the worst assumptions will probably resolve to a better reality. therefore, less dissapointment -> less or no pain. 

but not with this one, he's way too dangerous for me. i cant find a single reason why from the start i have viewed him as being innocent until proven guilty. was it his perfections? my feelings are left in the open and today i finally found the villain. i should start learning to think like i used to and get going with the walls again. it might take time, but i hope i'll get there before this gets worse. 

on the other hand, i am sure he views me as being guilty until proven innocent. the past week consisted of rough arguments and silence, solely because he does not trust the people around me. or was it truly me he does not trust? you say you 'hopefully can prove that forever exists', but the way you have treated me so far made me more of a cynic than ever about that matter. dont put me on a leash, im not an animal. dont put me on a leash or ill revolt. let me be and ill understand. god knows if your attempt to prove is a sincere one. trust is complex, yet i have done nothing in the past to make you think i will do something to you. lo and behold, ive changed some and more for you, apa sih yang ga buat kamu? 

it's 5.03am and i still can't sleep.