on my mind, out of sight.

new year - fresh from the oven yet auspicious...

my man.

you're free to leave me,

but just don't deceive me.

- moulin rouge

cornered

i don't know which side to believe and he's not making it any easier. release the truth or reveal the pathway. either one would be enough.

one mouth against the world.

butterfly, fly away

i think im in love; i have never compared him to the one. but there's nothing safe about this and i wish it would last for as long as i wanted it to, but what are the chances? we have nothing to secure ourselves to each other and there is no way the attachment would ever exist. all the risks, all the dangers. is it love or simply too thrilling to let go?

he said he loves me; but is it true?

kwekwek

ada bebek disini

:D

as simple as that.

today my parents gave me a long lecture on the phone with an extended endless bbm(s) from each one, all only because i finally confessed that i have broken up with andrew. basically what they told me was that he's perfect, i'm stupid ----> i have to get back with him.

fine, everyone strives for perfection. but once you're there, who would actually care? it's the glitches and crookedness that will keep me sane; that will keep me moving forward. what i don't understand is, the guy whom i loved so intensely was told to keep away from me and never come back. but this perfect guy who made me feel like a professional trickster; apparently i was told that he's the one. perfection is boring and i don't want a perfect guy.

i just want to be with a human, not a robot. i just want a guy with flaws.

sweet disposition

temporary is beautiful,

whereas permanence is ......... ?

i spent 10 days with someone who was not my boyfriend nor my friend. there was no red line connecting us yet the attachment was still visible. how long will it last? i don't know, chances are : not long. there are still those Xs tagging along behind both of us, in one way or the other. yet the charm of it is that we both know the attachment can be removed with a single wipe.

why do we admire the temporary moments/things/feelings? i've never realized how amazing the sunlight is in jakarta, yet i get absurdly excited over a second of sunlight entering my windows now. no one would devour the ice cream cake if the truth is that it will never melt. i'll never think of the air unless i'm told that it will reach its limit in the next 3 days. shoes will sell out fast only because they have 'limited editions' printed on them.

people start to gaze at others because of their outer beauty. inner beauties are invisible, lifelong. still, how long does the vision last? we age everyday since we stopped growing. the temporariness of it is everlasting. but when one starts to play with the temporary and make it permanent, that is when the beauty of it is gone - one is left with a hoax and NOT beauty. so where does permanence stand? i think its a mere necessity. we need the air to breathe, we need a strong, reliable personality and we definitely need shoes. haaaa. people tend to be drawn by the outer but fall in love with the inner beauty.

i'm still living the temporary life whereas the X wanted otherwise.

but with this flying duck, i don't need him (yet?). i want him.

why do i miss the other pea? maybe cause you can never change the other pair with another pea. it won't fit in the pod.

it has been 3 years :(

wishful thinking

Eyes are the window to your soul.

.. i wear contact lenses,

does it mean that my soul is glazed ?

niiiiiiiiceeee.

no wasted weekend.

second row from the end, there i was scribbling in my notes. thankfully my eyes were kept open by two invisible threads, or was it the determination? not important. suddenly the slide said:

brand identity + brand personality = strong retail

woke me up in a heartbeat. the whole identity crisis has been on my mind lately, i was trying to decide how to become one individual instead of the countless. funny how a human being can also be understood through the principals of a shop. a retail shop, to be exact. in order for me to be a strong individual, i have to find my own identity.. then build my personality from there? or vice versa? my cousin has been putting that suit on - from surfer guy, preppy to chuck bass and indie. none of them suit him yet he seems comfortable that whenever he changes, he is in a state (or clique). sigh, i actually cannot be fucked to find it. lets hope it'll come to me eventually..

despite all that, i love leading this double life i've started two days ago. dangerous yet thrilling. only a few were informed, others curious.

oh, everything looks perfect from far away.

let me paint the colour spectrum on you.

me:

... bt why the change of attitudess ?

friend:

fuck it. Cause im pretendin to be a nice sweet guy n shit. When i should just be me, right?

me:

well which one are you? cus ure a sweeeeettttheaaaaarrtt to me, __ and __.

friend:

really? hmm.. i dont know. I think i have an identity crisis.

He's not the only one confuzzled. Sometimes I get lost too, deciding which journey to take or the prime choice.

Who am i?

I want to be graceful with an elegant stance, yet carefree with peculiar effects to my walk.

I would love to be NOISY - full of babbles, but one and the same: composed and secretive girl.

Unique and ordinary.

Come hither attitudes but no hussy.

Independent + pampered.

Perceptive but also ignorant to demands.

I want to be this and that.

Someone said to me once that I can be whatever and whoever I want to be. Whether that is girly or tomboy or gentle or irritating. I used to take that as a compliment. Who does not want that much variety in their life? Although I've come to terms that it is so so tiring. How do you fit multiple photos into one frame? All you see are small snapshots, clustered. I feel like a 'lock and key' enzyme, trying to fit my personalities around other individuals. And no! I'm not a people pleaser - more like a natural habit.

Jealous of the cliques or at least people who know and understand themselves. Someone who has picked their own brand and build it up from scratch. While on the other hand, I am stuck as the chameleon who changes its colours according to its environment.

a drop in the ocean.

one's for safety.

the other one - passion, love and everything else.

How can you choose your future based on two completely different world? If I choose safety, I would live a delighted life with no passion. Likely I would be able to afford all the luxurious things I want, point and pay. As simple as that. Tennis court, swimming pool, fancy dinners and socialites.

Passion? Love? The beatles say love makes the world go around. But in fact it doesnt, love doesnt make you gain more money. It sure is an additional point. But two humans in love can lead to separation due to financial difficulties. But can we cope with it? I truly believe we can. It would be nice to tell our children the story of their parents. Awfully similar to romeo&juliet without the death. How wonderful. But can I start living from scratch? Does he like me? Does he still care? I dont understand how people around kept on saying he does, yet I think hes changed. He doesnt love me anymore. But why do I still keep that sweet taste of our memory? Was it only me all along?

The thing is, I can be 110% sure with one. I wont get myself hurt. But the other... Cant you tell? one paragraph is shorter, the other full of questions. Which one do i prefer? its obvious. Safety says nothing. I would choose love over anything. But is it still there?

I'm fucking drunk.

you know you want to.

I've decided that we are not meant to be together, that you came back as a test for resistance.

Our relationship was like cheesecake,

It was utterly attractive and rich. A sweet start, filled with creamy toppings and those few bites off the strawberry. Then as we dig our spoon deeper into the cake and savour the taste in our mouth, that velvet taste grow deeper and more intense. Then suddenly our spoon hit rock bottom. Maybe I got there faster than you. Not yet the end, but that thick base of crushed biscuits was abrupt and definitely startling. We realize we have to take a bite off the biscuits, oh all that effort. But the thing is, we did try to finish it. Later we lay back with an empty dessert plate and dirty spoon, wanting so much more but grasping the fact that our body could not take it anymore. It was too sweet, too beautiful and too heavy. Our stomach was full.

Maybe... maybe sometime in the future we'll have some more. Not as the last resort of a full meal course, but the start of it.

nerdssss

cambridge seized the day.

for once in a long time i was actually bothered to do more than open my eyes at 9 in the morning. even andri was still asleep. we had a bit of help from senorita luck due to the train delay and i was so overwhelmed by the town the minute i set my right foot on the platform.

"it's so pretty!", from the station i could tell that today was going to be good. no disappointments afterwards yet i still could not enjoy it to the hilt. how can you compare one insignificant person to a beautiful vintage town? i should really stop talking, two thoughts will grow in the price of one.

nevertheless, 35 pounds was enough to cheer me up slightly. money talks.

truly.

i dont understand how and why he came back, or even whether it's meant to be or just two strings of fate simply crossing over.

haa, im finally at loss for words. i sat here thinking for a few minutes of what i wanted to say but all i can think about is that from the moment he said "i'm here too", i started believing that maybe we are cursed for good.

how can we not be? from the moment it ended, all i had were either too flawless or easily smeared. funnily enough, he only had one and yes it seemed perfect but that, was closed too because he 'could not see it'.

i know we're not the pair but why are we here? where's that prince who will finally convince me that i've been with wrong pieces of puzzle all these times and that we're the perfect fit?

one more thing, is this a test leading to a reunion or a test to meet that worthy prince? was it him all along?

someone please help me, i think i'm falling into a quick sand with nothing to hold on to.

so close.

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
If you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?

you're still unreachable,

and thank you for staying that way.

nocturnal

it's 4.30am and i can't sleep. 

i have concluded that there are two ways you can look at someone in terms of law:

1. guilty until proven innocent
2. innocent until proven guilty

both have the same sentence structure and words, yet the meanings are like opposites in a magnetic field. In the past, i can say the way i treated my ex-boyfriends fell under the first category. I would assume they are in the dark before i try to see the light. A flicker in violation of trust, or at least i assumed it was, could send my imagination to the worst scenario possible - he's cheating, he's lying, he's breaking a promise and i'm going to break up. i have come to a conclusion that i chose the first one to protect my feelings - the worst assumptions will probably resolve to a better reality. therefore, less dissapointment -> less or no pain. 

but not with this one, he's way too dangerous for me. i cant find a single reason why from the start i have viewed him as being innocent until proven guilty. was it his perfections? my feelings are left in the open and today i finally found the villain. i should start learning to think like i used to and get going with the walls again. it might take time, but i hope i'll get there before this gets worse. 

on the other hand, i am sure he views me as being guilty until proven innocent. the past week consisted of rough arguments and silence, solely because he does not trust the people around me. or was it truly me he does not trust? you say you 'hopefully can prove that forever exists', but the way you have treated me so far made me more of a cynic than ever about that matter. dont put me on a leash, im not an animal. dont put me on a leash or ill revolt. let me be and ill understand. god knows if your attempt to prove is a sincere one. trust is complex, yet i have done nothing in the past to make you think i will do something to you. lo and behold, ive changed some and more for you, apa sih yang ga buat kamu? 

it's 5.03am and i still can't sleep. 

diamond in the rough

"freshwater pearl and citrine, instead of diamonds. because it's something you need to take care of, and work to protect, not something that will last 'forever' by default"

- Michelle Kirana Oh

I guess the term diamonds are forever can be proven to be right because technically, diamonds are the hardest natural material known. The root of the word 'diamond' is adamas, which also means indestructible. 

What's so extravagant about this rock that it can be a symbol of love? I guess heart as another symbol of love is quite understandable. When your heart stops beating, you die. Without one, you might not exist. But, Michelle was right, who would want forever by default? 

Sigh, blame Archduke Maximilian of Austria for starting this phenomenon by giving a diamond engangement ring as a promise of marriage to his love, Mary of Burgundy. Personally, I am not keen on diamond rings. I find them pretty, but a pretty marriage? Not something I am looking forward to. 

If someone were to propose to me with a diamond ring on the palm of their hand, I would ask them on what basis did they buy that particular diamond ring? If they cannot answer it, I would assume that they are portraying our future marriage to act like a diamond:

• Diamonds are clear - I want to have colour in our relationship
  
• Diamonds are beautiful and full of corners - I want chipped sides with no hidden corners, all bare
  
• Diamonds are indestructible - yes, that's a wish, certainly not by default. But something we, as a couple, work to achieve 
  
• Diamonds are forever - being delusional and assuming that we will be together forever? No way. 

Who doesn't wish forever exists on its own? but sometimes one needs to put their feet back on earth and realize that without protection, care, love, trust and a million other obstacles; forever will never exist. Nevertheless, a relationship is muchmuch more interesting when we can look forward to the 'ups' after the 'downs'. 

On the other hand, I would not mind being presented with a combination of sapphire and diamond. Sapphire has a beautiful connotation to it - loyalty and fidelity; two of my most precious and crucial factors of a relationship. teeheeeee.

star-crossed lovers?

• I had an appendicitis operation
• I had mock exams - failed one of my highers ! 
• I got into a fight with one of my closest friends, in which she says she doesn't trust me with any guy she likes
• Biology courseworks are done ! well, the important ones at least. 
• I lost my wallet
• I said no to buying baileys (surprisingly)
• I started to shalat again
• I realized who my real friends are, those who will care and those who wont 
• I had the best formal dinner, one month anniv. and valentine's day :) 
• I said yes to having a relationship in my last 4 months of high school

whoawaaaawait. PAUSE, REWIND -> PLAY. 

am i destined to experience these things? or did i decide? 

"Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it."

These.. occurences, sometimes triggered by the tiniest factor and cause a storm. Of course, there are ones I want to change - the ones that make me wish time machine really does exist. But which ones are accident and which ones are designed? 

Destiny is fixed - assumed to have no variables. "I'll leave that to my destiny", a phrase millions used when asked about their future. The thing is, I think I have too much ego to give my future to destiny. Don't get me wrong, fate and destiny are two different things. Fate refers to the development of our future. Whereas destiny is the predetermined outcome. Honestly, i used to be the up-to-destiny type, but instead of gaining what I wanted, i tended to receive what's settled for me. I am confident to say I don't want my future to be written on a stone with a permanent marker, it is muchmuchmuch too precious. 

This is why I am never much of a planner, I guess it's frightening to know what will happen instead of what-could's. I make choices when I am faced with it. Yet, there are those close to me who are always in motion of making plans and the worst thing is when I'm included in their little schemes. 

Ergo, stop making me feel like i'm your little robot.